My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.
You don’t know.
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*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
B: Welcome aboard