Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.

You don’t know.

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The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.


Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME


[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really


[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird


Visitor: “I like that cage at the end that says ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”


Black Super Mario

*Jumps on mushroom*

*Throws fireball at turtle*

*Slides down sewer pipe*

*Arrested for assault, arson, and trespass*


The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.


It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle


Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF