@UnFitz

Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.

You don’t know.

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@hansabumsadaisy

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

@AndyAsAdjective

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

@squirrel74wkgn

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

@Drytown1

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

@TheIronSherk

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

@BBrains26

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

@huntigula

[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard