@UnFitz

Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.

You don’t know.

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@NurseMurderer

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

@clichedout

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

@Browtweaten

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

@stevevsninjas

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

@TragicAllyHere

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

@GrowlyGrego

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.