Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
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If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”