Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
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Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider