Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
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Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
😬
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
tag yourself
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
The USS B port
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*