Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This was a bad idea all around

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

Bill is short for Billiam

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”