Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Need WebMD

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.