Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
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Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Customize Your Wedding.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.