Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
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Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.