Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
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There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
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Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
absolutely not
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My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
This makes total sense…
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.