maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
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I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.