Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.

[8 hours later]

Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.