Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
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G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
You might just have to resign…
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”