Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Europe. Made in Germany.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?