Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
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me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Britain be like
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
dream blunt rotation