Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
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I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Candles never taste the way they smell
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here