Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.