Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
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{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Duolingo getting serious.
