Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
You Might Also Like
He has no idea 🤡
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.