Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
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The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.