Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

me hooking up with my ex

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]

Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell

Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

[fast food management]

“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”

“What about ketchup?”

“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.