Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
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4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
all that yoga finally paid off
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot