Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
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I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”