Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
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Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
IT’S-A ME,
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am