Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The French word for sex is croissant.

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

*orders large pizza*

*opens box*

“Let’s do this…wait”

“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

Always a metermaid never a meter

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

But I really needed water water water

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.