Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
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Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.