Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
You Might Also Like
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
peeping toms
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.