so tell me a fun fact about yourself
Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh-
get the hell out
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
You Might Also Like
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I’m optimizing code
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …when did we get a shed?
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I tried coke once. And then for like another 3 years to make sure I didn’t like it
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.