@scarebro

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

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@tchrquotes

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

@kwirkyKerri

Never underestimate a well placed “that’s what she said”. Unless your boss is standing behind you. Thanks for the heads up Michelle.

@ObscureGent

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

@JesseWeller

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

@KyleMcDowell86

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

@LindaInDisguise

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

@thatUPSdude

“You clean up well” is a nice way of saying “You look like shit at work”.

@EndhooS

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

@garrettbarry70

[Christmas shopping]

Me. “I need to get some wrapping paper, shall we split up?”

Her. “Ok but I’m keeping the house”

@ibid78

DISPATCH: we have a report of a robbery in progress four blocks from your current location
HOT AIR BALLOON COP: I’ll be there in 80 days