Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

December birthdays be like…

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

Me: Screw you, Tuesday!

Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

Shortcut

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”