Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Yes
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*