Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
You Might Also Like
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
A recipe for laughter
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.