Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

[eulogy]

line?

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.

With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!

Me: Christine divorced me

Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!

Me: He stole Christine

Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!

Me: They took the dog

Fb: I KNOW

Me: Why are you doing this

Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!