Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
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Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Free him
