Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.