Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

Sign of the day..

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

[world without bees]

Hamlet: to or not to

As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects