Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

doctor: get ready to say “aaah”

me: why are we on the roof

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

Mountain Goat : )

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.

Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.