Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
You Might Also Like
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!