Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
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[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
People buying plungers never look happy.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks