Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
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[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.