Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.

Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…

Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]

…EXACTLY.

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

Google assistant rules

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch