Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.