Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
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daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Brands during Pride
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
When you’re riding with someone and they tell you about all the wrecks they’ve been in…
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.