Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…