Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
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Never be a pizza!
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.