Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

This bar smells like my childhood.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.