Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.