MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
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They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*