Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

[getting a retweet]

“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…

Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.