Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
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No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
girls literally only want one thing..
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.