Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
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Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
it’s either covid or clever vampires
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.