Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

😂🍻

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt