Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

We like the way Dwight thinks

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss