Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

[Dinner table]

Son: no! I don’t wanna!

Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?

Son: …yeah

Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.