Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
You Might Also Like
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.