Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
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“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
☠️ ☠️
That de-escalated quickly
incredible text to wake up to
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.