Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

Me when my alarm goes off

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.