Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
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ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
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Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.