Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
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I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
💀💀💀💀
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees