Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?

Date: uhh

Bruce: my regular normal carmobile

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!