Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-

ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?