MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
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Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.