#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
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A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!