Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

😂🤣😂🤣

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

I have the attention of a goldfish.

Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.