Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie

Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

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Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.