Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

*checks Timeline*…

You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news

me: ok what’s the good news

lab assistant: you got an a on your test

me: ok…and?

lab assistant: it’s hepatitis

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

an airline just for babies.

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?