Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward

Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise

Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.