Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

I finally found a reason to live again.

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

kinda fun if literal: earwigs