Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
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“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
who wants to go expliring
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
That’s it.I’m out.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull