(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
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[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
#winning
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.