Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

ew if literal: let me be clear

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.

My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers

little cloud: *tinkling over desert*

papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

this was very charming

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.