Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.

Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls