Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

Duolingo getting serious.

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

[Naming Days Meeting]

Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.

Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?

Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.