@stevemarriott

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

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@BeTheCookie

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

@CantWaitToNap

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

@mompsychologist

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

@sidleykate

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

@AngelaEhh

I thought I wanted to get married again.

Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.

@KayLee_CPT

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!” – The first horse ever ridden (probably)

@thepaulasuzanne

[texting]

Me: I’m over IT.

Friend: Over what?

Me: You know…IT.

Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.

Me: IT as in Information Technology.

Friend: You CAN’T be over that.

[1 week later]

Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.

@SadMeterologist

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

@SteveSuckington

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*