[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
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Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I’m already scared
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
This is not me but this is me
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Gross if literal…Liverpool