Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.

In that case, silence is very very suspicious!

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”