McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
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Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
🌲😼
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
figuring out my emotional availability:
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations