Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

🤣

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder