Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?