Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
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if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Born to be mild.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.