Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

my life is ruined
i wish to live no more

never mind i found the remote.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

Me, flirting😏

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Important reminders

She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch