Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

ㅤ

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.