McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
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i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
lmao😭🤣
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Self-cleaning conscience
God, I love Scotland
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.
(grounding my kid) go outside.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything