McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
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“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.