Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
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Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Kids: Stay in school.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
We need to put an American base on the sun
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is