Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.