(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Oops I deleted….
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up