McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
