[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
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“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Mornin
Fights fire with marshmallows
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.